Emma Mete

For most of my life, I believed that my worth and value came from what I did, what others thought of me and what I was able to accomplish. I was convinced that being “needed” by others was how I was meant to be loved; that love was conditional upon what I could achieve and what I could give. Despite being well-versed in my Catholic faith as a child and into my teenage years growing up in Niagara, Ontario with my parents and two younger sisters, I considered my faith as simply a “rulebook” to live my life; a sort of manual of activities and requirements I should follow. Therefore, the idea that God loved me was something that I understood as conditional as well; conditional upon my regular mass attendance or how much I recited my prayers, and thus, I never viewed God as someone who I could know personally or, who could know and love me personally.

The summer before I entered University, I was at an all-time low in my faith. At this time, my struggle with perfectionism truly became my identity. I felt I needed to be the student with the highest grades, the athlete involved in the most sports and the individual most well-liked by my classmates and that only then would I be accepted and worthy. This striving for perfectionism and seeking acceptance from others around me left me in a deeply empty and unhealthy place. I was left feeling extreme inadequacy about my identity and at this point, placed God the farthest out of my life that He has ever been.

In my first year at University, I ignored any real opportunities to be involved with the Catholic Chaplaincy on my campus, using my academics, family obligations and my commitments as a Varsity Lacrosse player as excuses to not attend Chaplaincy events. Going into my second year of University however, I attended a beginning of term Chaplaincy event where I was asked to take a CCO faith study called Discovery. At this point, my search for purpose and identity in exterior things had left me dry and unfulfilled, and so I agreed to give this study a try and signed up. Throughout the study, my understanding of the faith which I had lived my whole life by was given radical new meaning. In a one-on-one conversation with my faith study leader at the end of the study, I was invited, for the first time in my life, into a personal relationship with Jesus. I was so taken aback by simply the possibility of a personal relationship with Jesus, and told my leader that I couldn’t possibly have Christ at the centre of my life because I wasn’t perfect enough for Him. I actually said those exact words, out loud. As my leader lovingly reminded me of the lessons we had learned in the study, I realized that my heart desired to have an identity that was not defined by any expectations I met or failed to meet, or what others thought of me. My heart desired to be loved not for what I did in a conditional way, but loved for who I was, which I finally realized was simply a daughter of God. In that moment, I prayed a simple prayer to invite Jesus into my heart, an invitation for Christ to be at the centre of my life. I distinctly remember walking out of that conversation and taking a deep breath as if breathing truly for the very first time.

Since my decision to invite Christ to be at the centre of my life, God has radically changed my heart and my life. Even in the midst of my deep imperfections, Christ continues to pursue me through these repeated invitations to love Him and trust in His unconditional love for me. Christ has ultimately come to show through countless personal miracles that His love for me is safe, secure and steadfast. He has a plan for my life far beyond anything I could dream of accomplishing on my own. Upon graduating from Brock University this past spring, I am now serving as a campus missionary intern with Catholic Christian Outreach at the University of Winnipeg, and I couldn’t be more honoured and humbled to serve in this community! I have learned that all the Lord asks if me is that I give Him my yes, and trust in His plans for me, even if I can’t see the full picture. I invite you to do the same. I invite you to set aside the misconceptions of needing to earn love and fears of being “perfect” for Christ, because you are loved and pursued by a God who could not love you more than He does right now.