Manny Gonzalez

It was sometime around my early middle school years when I first noticed that something was a bit...different about me. While all my male peers gushed about their various girl crushes, I began to realize that I didn’t feel the same tingly feelings in my stomach that all the guys around me seemed to feel when it came to girls. On the contrary, I felt those tingly butterflies in my stomach towards my male peers and other men. From then on I became aware that I, born and raised faithfully Catholic, experience same-sex attractions.

I hated God because I considered myself “too dirty” to be in His presence. I hated the Catholic Church because I saw Her teachings on homosexuality to be bigoted, mundane, and unfair.

I ultimately hated myself because I was convinced for the longest time that I had done something to deserve these attractions that I didn’t choose or want. So I informally left the Church. I left God. I embraced the world and its empty promises. But, as the story tends to go, Abba didn’t forsake me.

For years I pursued my same-sex attractions, having boyfriends and becoming sexually active with other men. I became very involved in the LGBT+ spaces and social circles back home in Dallas, regularly attending drag clubs and gay bars. I was heavily involved in the college party scene, constantly getting drunk on Saturday nights and then attending Mass with my family on Sunday afternoons. I believed the world when it told me that who I was at the core of my personhood was simply “gay“. All the while, however, a hidden part of my being still ached: I longed for a relationship that no other earthly man could provide me with. I longed for intimacy with my Maker.

As St. Augustine of Hippo infamously warned, I knew my heart would truly be restless until it was at rest with Him. Our Lord had been knocking all my life and I finally decided to begin opening the doors of my heart to Him. My reversion back to the faith was most definitely a gradual process. The transition was not easy by any means. But, alas, here I am now.

By nothing but the grace of God, this past October I celebrated my three year anniversary of my official coming back to the Catholic Church. Three years faithfully abiding by Catholic Church teachings on homosexuality and abstinence. Three years growing more and more radically in love with my Lord and His holy and apostolic Church.

It still isn’t easy. Being a Christian isn’t easy. The Cross is heavy and my shoulders are oftentimes too weak to bare it on my own. Through the suffering that comes with the Cross, however, I can truly attest to experiencing the goodness and glory of the Resurrection.

I still experience same-sex attractions. But now, unlike the years before, I live chastely in my unique and respective state of life (as we’re all called to do).

Abba doesn’t look at me as His “gay” son. He first and foremost sees me as His beloved. He calls me His and invites me to live out of my ultimate identity in Him. And so I do. I’ve never been more at peace than I am now, living out of my belovedness. I’ve never been more alive. I’ve never been more free.

God is so good. The Church is so good. The happiness of the world is fleeting, but the Joy of the Lord is eternal!

Thank You Jesus.