Nolan Toscano
While my parents had both been baptized, their faith was the residual effect of the culturally Catholic countries of their heritage. The outward practices of their faith would evaporate in my early years. I remember being dragged to mass, and then suddenly not. My faith was quite literally a gift.
In the quiet hours of night, in the moments before bed one evening a very long time ago, I could not help but thank God for something as simple as my day, my friends, my mother, and the good food in my belly. I uttered the only prayer I knew thanks to the barebones catechetical providence of Catholic elementary school, and in retrospect it is evidently the prayer that Jesus had taught us: The Our Father. As time progressed, I would add new prayers I had learned to this short night prayer; the hail Mary, the Glory Be, and often finishing with short conversations to the God of the universe who, while I could not articulate it at the time, was gently pursuing my heart, and revealing His own. This moment of distinct invitation I now look on as a first quiet and subtle “yes” I had given to the Father.
I was (and still am) fortunately a nerd who paid attention during the lackluster catechetical classes in preparation for my confirmation. I found these classes fascinating as they began to deepen my understanding of the God who was revealing Himself to me. It was as if to hear the kind words others speak of a close friend you know, as well as finding out the beautiful qualities that your friends has had yet to reveal. The requirement to successfully qualify for confirmation was to go to a certain number of Masses. It was at this point that my participation in the sacramental life sparked to a new vitality. I saw the face of God at every Mass, and in combination with my now litany of nightly prayers, conversations with God, and Catechetical classes, I remember the conviction I had in those moments where I professed the Creed. My Confirmation was the second, greater “yes!” I had given to Christ. My mind had assented to Truth, and I was convicted to live out the faith God had spared me the hassle of having to go look for.
Now, don’t let this mean for a second that it was happily ever after. In the months and years after this first “yes”, there were external and internal trial that I both overcame and succumbed to.
Family and friends came to realize that this was not some “phase” that Nolan was going through, and questions, comments, concerns, and criticisms became commonplace throughout high school. I had no answer to these questions at first, only knowing the conviction on my heart. I turned to apologetics and the great intellectuals of our faith to provide answers for myself and those I loved in their own questioning. Thanks to good and faithful friends, priests, and a thriving youth ministry, I was able to sit on a foundation that enabled my faith to be fostered well. There was however, a growing issue beside and under the progress I had made in the spiritual life by this point however.
As I continued to pursue the Lord of Knowledge in apologetics, there was a growing double life I began to live. My faith was genuine, yet living without any proper gauge to keep me accountable saw that I also became focused with how I was in the eyes of others. I became entrenched in a party and hook-up culture whilst also desperately trying to reconcile it to the faith I had known in those early days of my conversion. My pursuit of apologetics had begun to numb the conviction of my heart, and my faith became more of an intellectual endeavor than a relationship.
It was not until the first year of university that through providence, and many bad decisions, I had come to the point of frustration where I could not even fool myself that I could reconcile these parts of my life. Where a weekend would be filled with partying, save Sunday morning which was always piously attended.
Nevertheless, I could not tolerate my own hypocrisy any longer, and November of 2016 became a month of transformation and correction. It was the month where, thanks be to God, a friend helped me to distinguish that while Christ was the largest aspect of my life, He was not the central axis that my life revolved around. This small correction was one that carried an enormous impact, and set right the foundation of my heart and mind. It was indeed the moment that my will became reconciled to what my mind and heart had rested in since the moment I had come to initial faith all those years ago. Indeed, it was another and more finalized “YES” that had marked the trinity of “yeses” that solidified that my heart, mind, and will were surrendered to God despite my own faults and failings.
Since then, our Blessed Lord has been the uncontested center of my life, and what an amazing adventure He has led me on. While He has continued to call and form me into the man and son of His that I am today. As much as I would like to add more to what was written, I must concede with St. John that “there are also many other things which Jesus did; were every one of them to be written, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.” (John 21:25)
Mission after mission, heart after heart, step after step on the particular path he has called me on towards Heaven. I pray that I may one day be a saint, but also a great gift to our Lord and His Holy Catholic Church.
With St. Paul, I desire:
“that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” (Philippians 2:10-11).