Emma Graham
From a very young age I fell in love with asking questions about the world. Why things were the way they were, and who made them that way. I especially loved history - which my dad credits to his being an archaeologist and historian, I mean, he did try to teach me latin in grade 4. All this curiosity and questioning however, always came with unsatisfying answers. I would always be asking, why but the answers I received from the world were only how.
As I grew older, I turned to my faith community to try and get some better answers. I began to go to the Presbyterian Church that my grandparents attended weekly, and then I joined the youth group, and eventually became a leader, and would serve at a Christian Summer camp rooted in the faith. It is here that I fell in love with praise and worship, and the community that comes when people of faith gather together.
However, though I loved this community and felt comforted by my faith, I was still searching for something more. I found that in bible studies and sermons, the hard questions I had about creation of the world, salvation and free will remained unanswered. When I was 16, at the summer camp I was serving at we were doing a bible study of 1 Corinthians. While reading 1 Corinthians 2:10-16, I was introduced to the idea of determinism, which is a belief held in many Protestant communities that we do not have free will, but instead are destined from before birth to heaven or hell, and though our actions may feel our own, they are not.
This teaching was extremely troubling for me, and I would spend many nights the following week talking with leaders and friends about this, because I felt so deeply in my heart this could not be true.
When I returned to school just a month later, I felt a prompting on my heart to ask my religion teacher about this problem. My teacher sat down with me and explained that this is not at all what the Church teaches, and instead that out of an abundance of love for His Children, God grants us free will so that we can learn to return the love which He pours out on us back to Him in worship. She then lent me the CD of Dr. Scott Hahn’s “Why a Protestant Pastor became Catholic.” I immediately went home and played this CD, and with tears of joy and sorrow was overwhelmed by the deep truths shared by Dr. Hahn.
I listened to that tape 3 times that one night, but I had no idea what to do next. It was as though my entire world was pulled out from under me. In fact, I was absolutely terrified by the truth shared by Dr. Scott Hahn and I couldn't imagine what my next step could possibly be.
Later that school year, I was invited by a friend to attend Holy Thursday Mass, where her mom was playing the cello. I entered for the very first time in my life, the doors of the Church I would soon call home. We sat in the very front, right behind the lectors, and listened to the beautiful music. I was amazed when the Priest’s went around to wash the feet of those seated on the aisles of the Church. However, it wasn’t until the church was silent, and we kneeled in front of the altar, and the Priest raised the host above his head, that for me, time stopped, as the Lord of the Universe revealed Himself to me.
For the next year I would be silently battling my desire to return to mass and my fear of change, until my music teacher invited me to join her in her lenten promise to attend morning mass twice a week before school. By Easter of that year I could feel a change in my heart, and I asked her to become my sponsor for RCIA. Through RCIA and growing deeper in faithful friendships with those already committed to God, I found that my heart was finally satisfied, and those answers that I had been longing for were all here found in the Church. I was confirmed and received my first Holy Communion on April 4th 2015, at the Holy Saturday Vigil, and every day since then I have been blessed by this community that has lifted me up when I have fallen. My questions and curiosity haven’t stopped, but I now know that this curiosity is not a curse but a gift that will always bring me back to God.