Ally Pastene
“You have cancer. I have only read about this once in a case study, I cannot in good will continue to treat you, I have called across the country and found there are two physicians who have seen this in person. All the other case studies I can find are from patients who were diagnosed in an autopsy, I’m sorry I don’t have much more information, there is no known incidence rate as it is so rare and unfortunately extremely aggressive, all treatments are experimental from what I can tell. What I can offer you is prayer, no matter what religion you are and what you believe, I think the best thing we can do right now is take a moment to meditate on this. I promise to advocate for you and do what I can.”
I’ve had many yes’ in my life to Jesus and the Church, but my most resounding ‘yes’ was through the fight for my life and learning the beauty of suffering. It started with the above conversation with a physician, they’re supposed to have all the answers to our medical issues, right? What happens when they no longer have the answers? That is when we are reminded that we need to hold our faith higher than anything else, even during the most difficult trials and tribulations. We must address the question of, if God loves us, then why do we suffer? This battle started in my teenage years and continues to this day.
Through conversation, readings, and lots and lots of prayer, it has become abundantly clear that the first posed question should never be a question that is asked, if we truly understand His teachings. When our suffering does not make sense and we cannot adequately put a reason to it, the answer is simple, we are failing to remember that Jesus did not come to take away suffering. God did not promise a life without difficulties. When you feel the weakest and there is nothing left to give, even in that moment, Jesus Christ can make you strong. After waking up on the bathroom floor drenched in sweat, blood vessels popped in my eyes from violent chemotherapy- induced vomiting, inability to walk back to my room due to the peripheral neuropathy, I distinctly remember thinking the worst thing that I have ever thought, I want to die. I do not want to live anymore. The pain was incomprehensible.
So, what is our response to life’s difficulties? We are not in complete control of how difficult life will be for ourselves and those around us, however we have a high degree of influence in how we respond to these trials and tribulations. Giving up graduate school acceptances led to career paths I would not have explored, enduring treatment that was 98% guaranteed to take away my ability to have children, but getting the call from my physician that I somehow made it in the 2% who will still be able to have kids, knowing that my treatment will have lasting effects on my body for the rest of my life, the neuropathy will never fully go away, but choosing to understand that He came to transform our sufferings, I welcome all of these things I had to deal with or give up, because at the end of the day, trusting that He would bring about a greater good is truly the only option we have.
The unknown is the most horrifying part, but also the single most comforting part of anything that we face in life. Finding a way to let our weakness have power and the things that do not make any sense, to let those things have meaning, means we are letting the world be redeemed by joining our own sufferings with the Lord’s. While I truly thought that enduring chemotherapy was not worth it anymore and I cried and prayed for my cancer to be gone quickly, God was guiding me to see that He was in control and always is, He was teaching me to learn to wait, to stay calm, and most importantly during these difficult times, to feel His presence, mercy, grace, and love, and to know that He was suffering with me and for me.
God’s purpose for me is to have faith and a loving union with Him and to trust that He will bring me to the greater good of whatever I am facing. I realized that death is not punishment and I do not fear death, I had to accept my mortality at a very young age and face it head on, but I now realize through His teachings, death is truly a release and a return to be back with Him. I have learned to have strength to trust God and put the present and future in His hands. God did not shelter me from dangers, but instead He made me fearless and guided me through facing them. He did not let me beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart and mind to conquer it, He gave me the desire to never give up and to know that the storm has an end. The power and spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, is the same power and spirit that lives in each of us.
This is why we suffer, we suffer so that we can learn to trust Him and to know that there is always a greater good as Jesus truly endured all. Learning to live through and overcome this suffering is the most important yes that I have said, it has led me to saying yes to mentoring others diagnosed with cancer and helping them to walk with faith along their journey through a ministry I work with, it has led my best friend and I to start our own ministry for young adults affected with cancer and how to overcome their cancer through Christ, and it has led to a deeper understanding of God’s love and promise. I am sure it will continue to lead me to more yes’ along the way as my story is still being written…