Chady Elias

For me, growing up, I was heavily influenced by the people around me. I always wanted to live the “life of a rapper” (shout out drake). In highschool and into university my lifestyle reflected this desire. I wanted it all, from the girls, to the drinks, to the money, to the popular friend groups and everything in between. In fact, I had access to all these things that I wanted. And I wanted to experience all that the world had to offer, all that stuff rappers talk about.

I grew up in a traditional arab home, having a very big family. And I was always known as the curious one...the trouble maker…(haha)...I loved being the center of attention (if you couldn't already tell). Religion is part of the culture I’m from but it always felt like an insurance policy, you do it, just to cover your butt. We went to church sometimes, but not often, I never heard about God in a personal way. It seemed like practicing your faith was just something you were supposed to do, and if you didn't, you would be punished by God. God felt confusing, intimidating, and far off. Because of this, I was not at all interested in pursuing my faith. So I pushed God even further. I remember being that kid who skipped school masses with his friends to go hangout at the mall. In Fact, I felt that if I were to follow God, I would be missing out… missing out on all that I wanted to experience, the pleasures of the world I wanted to feel.

I almost felt like I had two identities, on one hand I was terrified of God’s punishments, and on the other I wanted to live it up, denying what God would want, and to experience the “hollywood” lifestyle.

I most often chose to indulge in the lifestyle I thought would fulfill me, but it was never enough. I looked for fulfillment especially in my relationships with girls and impure relationships. This went on for sometime, eating away at my conscience, but I always thought, just one more time, and that would do it, I’d be fulfilled! It was a lie. A never ending cycle.

My impure actions escalated and intensified, doing things that left me feeling empty afterwards. It all built up to one day, when I realised the filth I was living in, the intense shame. I was disgusted with the sinful lifestyle I had, the lifestyle I dreamed of made me feel empty, insecure, and lost. Most of all I was absolutely terrified that God would punish me for my actions. He was going to make my life horrible for the way I disrespected Him.

I was at an all time low, I just got out of a toxic relationship, and I decided I had to change the way I was living, no more indulging in my pleasures. Ultimately this was all out of fear towards God's punishment. But I had tried everything else, and I realised God was my only option. After all, the only one still there for me after all this mess was God. Looking back, I now know He was the one carrying me through all those tough days and long nights.

In September of my fourth year of university I was encouraged to come meet CCO. I was very hesitant, but I also knew this might be good for me to be around other people who wanted to live moral lives. To be honest, I made lots of excuses, my faith study leader fought for me so much, he had to virtually drag me to the study, but I was surprised with what I saw. I guess you never really know how God could be calling you to help you. We spoke about Jesus in a personal way. I started to realise, God wasn't a God of punishment, but a merciful Father. He wasn't looking for any and every opportunity to condemn me, and make my life miserable, He wanted to set me free. Through the study I saw that Jesus was the answer to the deepest desires of my heart. Jesus showed me more about what my purpose in life could be. I was so inspired, these truths about God were so new, but Jesus still felt far off for me personally.

I was invited to go to Rise up in Toronto, a conference held by CCO. I was really hesitant at first, but something inside of me told me I needed to go. When I was there something amazing happened. During one of the evenings, we spent time praying over each other for the Holy Spirit. When I was prayed over, I experienced the Holy Spirit. The presence of God came over me, I felt chills and a cold breeze, I knew it was Jesus because I felt so much peace and love. He was showing me that He wasn't a far off, angry and a punishing God, but a loving Father, who wanted to encounter me and show me His real love. After Rise up, I was ready to fully commit my life to Jesus, putting Him at the center of my life.

This encounter, and this decision changed me, the last thing missing was freedom from the years of sin I was still holding onto. I got to go to confession for the first time, yes, the first time in my life! I experienced so much mercy. I felt a large weight lifted off my shoulders. I have never experienced so much freedom before. I knew that I had been completely forgiven.

Now I am living out a personal relationship with Jesus, I know He is close, He is my father, I can rely on Him. He is my hope, and purpose in my life. Now I strive to grow in my relationship through daily prayer, I go to Him each morning to speak to Him. I know that He has mercy on me, He loves me, and isn't out to punish me when I make mistakes. I now participate in the sacraments regularly, going to confession, and Sunday mass. Through this whole journey I've realized having a relationship with Jesus has helped me discover the person I am and the person I want to become. It's given me confidence and understanding of who I am.