Laura Bell

“You picked twelve outsiders nobody would have chosen, and you changed the world.” This lyric from the song, “Nobody” by Casting Crowns is how I feel as I look back and think about what God’s done for me. Never did I ever think that my journey would involve me helping others with the one thing that I struggle with most…anxiety.

I grew up as a cradle Catholic in Ontario, Canada; went to Church every Sunday with my family and attended youth group. I was a straight “A” student, always studying, and swimming as I trained to be certified as a swimming instructor and lifeguard. I’m the eldest of four kids. With all this going on, I felt a lot of pressure to uphold a certain reputation…a certain image that people expected me to be. Through a series of events in elementary and high school, I subconsciously put my identity in a box. I was bullied in gr. 10 for being the “Church girl”; and the following summer, I almost drowned during an open water swim at one of my lifeguard trainings. When I was bullied, I didn’t realize the lies people said about me affected me as much as it did, until I performed the open water swim. “…you’re not worthy…you’re a lifeguard, you’re supposed to save lives; and yet, you needed to be saved…no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be enough” …As I got older, these lies became harder to combat. Anxiety and depression became a part of my life. Throughout all of this, I was still trying to practice my Faith. It was truly a grace that I never left the Catholic Faith or blamed God for what was happening. This was my cross God asked me to carry and I felt a responsibility to carry it…did I do it gracefully? No. But I had hope that at some point, something good would come from it.

In 2017 (my 2nd year of university), I attended the Rise Up Conference in Ottawa, with Catholic Christian Outreach. The tour of St. Francis Xavier’s forearm around Canada, began here at the conference. During the veneration, we were given commitment cards, where we were encouraged to write down what we would 100% commit to in the new year. Once we wrote it down, we could touch our card to the Relic. I felt this strong desire to serve as a Totus Tuus missionary (a summer camp in the Archdiocese of Toronto that deeply impacted my Faith growing up as a kid). So, I wrote down that I would apply to be a missionary. As soon as I touched my card to the Relic, this immense amount of peace came over me. As someone who still struggled with anxiety, only God could have convinced me to apply. My perfectionist way of thinking always told me that I had to master my anxiety before taking on a leadership role, which is just not the case. A few weeks later, a friend of mine texted and said she saw a picture of me on the Catholic Register on Twitter. I found the picture and it was a close-up image of me touching my card to the Relic…the exact moment I gave my “Yes” to be Christ’s missionary, despite my fear of my anxiety taking over.

I served as a Totus Tuus Missionary for two summers and went on a mission trip to Cameroon, Africa the following year. I took the opportunity to share my story and struggle with anxiety and God’s healing Mercy, with the people I met on mission. Every time I shared my story, I encountered more and more people who struggled with the same thing. For whatever reason, God opened the hearts of so many people to share their struggles of anxiety with me. I felt so unworthy to minister to them because I hadn’t “mastered it” myself. I felt like a hypocrite talking about God’s healing Love, while I still struggled to combat the lies in my head every day. In Cameroon, God put in my heart this message…what if understanding our weaknesses to help others, is our way to Holiness? Think about it…Moses stammered and yet, was called to use his voice to free the Israelites out of Egypt. Jonah struggled to understand God’s Mercy and God asked him to bring God’s Mercy to Nineveh. St. Teresa of Calcutta experienced long periods of desolation, and God asked her to share the message of joy. I struggle with anxiety, and God is asking me to share the power of His healing Love with others. How does it make sense that our mission is in correlation to our weakness? Answer: it doesn’t.

But that’s the point. We’re human, we make mistakes, and we NEED God. Literally, the only way we can help other people understand their cross, is through COMPLETE dependence on Christ to help us carry ours. Through sharing my story, God has brought me so much joy, freedom, and healing. Now, I’m engaged and currently working at a private Catholic school in Toronto as the Coordinator of Discipleship & Evangelization. My prayer for you is that God gives you the courage to share your story and to not be afraid to embrace your cross, as He leads you to Heaven. His healing power is real.