Monika Matelski
Shortly after receiving my First Holy Communion, I began reading the Bible daily. I came across St. Paul’s assertion in his first letter to the Corinthians: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own…” (1 Cor. 6:19). At this time in my life, I was also very close to the Little Flower, and I loved to read my little quote books from St. Thérèse of Lisieux. Her proposed way to Jesus as “the little way” and my introduction to the theological meaning of the body through St. Paul made me decide then and there that I wanted to be a cloistered Carmelite nun. My mom was dumbfounded when I came to her on that day and gave back all the jewelry and medals I had received since my Baptism. I announced that I wanted my body to be a temple of the Holy Spirit and this meant no jewelry, no fancy clothes, no extravagant hairdos. This was me in grade 3! During the rest of my elementary school years, I dreamed of growing up and entering the convent. I actually cut out little hearts out of paper and wrote on them “I am yours Jesus” and hid them around my room. Little did I know that it was not only St. Thérèse’s “little way” that would be a foundation of my spiritual growth, but her deep union to Christ’s suffering, and finding the joy in suffering.
In grade 6, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, specifically a double-curvature. I was 5’7” at the time and doctors attested the scoliosis to a major growth spurt. It was getting worse, so I had to be fitted into a back brace that I wore for 22 hours/day. I wore this back brace for four years, and was terribly bullied because of it. Somehow my love for Jesus and the fact that I read the Bible and attended Sunday Mass also caused my classmates to single me out, and I experienced a real “persecution” because of my faith. I would hide in the washroom during recess at school to avoid being hurt. It was such a blessing to have supportive and loving parents during this difficult time, and my developing prayer life which kept me looking forward. My mom was the gardener of my faith:she offered the best consolation and the best encouragement, especially during the hopeless days.
It seems God has really worked on me through sacramental grace in my life. Shortly after my Confirmation, I was asked to join a youth singing group at my parish, Our Lady Queen of Poland in Scarborough. The singing group was founded by 4 older guys, who only asked me and my friend to join because they needed female vocalists. We were in grade 9 and they were graduating high school. During the course of those weekly rehearsals, I discovered something super shocking: I possessed feelings of attraction towards one of the guys. I was so upset with myself; I was supposed to be a religious sister! How could this be?! I couldn’t ignore these feelings; they were just so strong! When I heard he was attending a retreat during the March Break, I signed up immediately. It turned out that this retreat was facilitated by the International Movement, Youth Teams of Our Lady, and it also turned out that the retreat program was very powerful. Each day brought us closer to discovering that Jesus Christ is not only the Redeemer of the world, but He is MY personal Lord and Saviour. I came to that retreat because I followed a guy in; I left the retreat obsessively and passionately in love with Jesus. I proclaimed Him my personal Saviour in a beautiful ceremony during the retreat and surrendered to His Will for my life. Surrendering to Jesus redirected my heart from cloistered monastic life to marriage and family life. And who did God give me as my spouse? That guy who made me sign up for the YTOL retreat in 1999!!! Chris and I were married on August 26, 2006 and since then have welcomed 5 children to walk this Heaven-bound journey with us.
The restlessness between my desire for the cloistered monastic life and call to married life is actually not over yet. Yes, that may sound crazy but let me explain: every time I heard a homily at Mass about Martha and Mary, the priest would suggest for us in the congregation to choose which one we best resonate with. However, I never wanted to settle and just choose ONE: I was pulled to both the contemplative life (Mary) and the active life (Martha). St. Teresa of Avila (another Carmelite nun!!) finally settled it for me about 5 years ago when she states in her writings: “both Mary and Martha must serve Our Lord.” I live with an intense passion to be both: could you imagine the trouble I get myself into when I try to juggle both missions as my own task? My heart’s desires far surpass the weakness of my will. This is where the restlessness comes in! I saw marriage and child-rearing as an active mission and yet I continuously yearn for long periods of deep and intimate contemplation with my Lord. The good news is that God used the sacramental grace from Holy Matrimony to point me towards a path that merges the two: a monastic rule for married couples!! Shortly after Chris and I were married, we committed to Teams of Our Lady, a Movement within the Catholic Church which elevates marital spirituality as a path of holiness. It is the best commitment we made for our marriage, and even though the Movement was founded in 1939 in France, it is still in the early stages of growth here in Ontario!
I am learning every day to trust in the Lord, make small acts of surrender to His Holy Will, and choose the joy He offers. You know what saves me every time? Simply, FAITH. I can affirm that my mercy-cry of increasing this faith has been my saving grace through everything, especially discernment of vocation and letting Him decide everything for me.