Henry Morales
I remember being 12 years old and kneeling in front of the Blessed Sacrament, adoring how shiny the monstrance was, but also wondering why I felt such peace and joy. I mean this was the first time I was doing this. I was encouraged to pray, to sing along with the praise and worship band, or to just be with Jesus. "Jesus?" I thought to myself. Yeah, bro, it's Jesus.
Growing up culturally Catholic meant that my biggest exposure to the Catholic faith was mass in Spanish. As I grew older, my family went to church less, and being Catholic became praying the Our Father or Hail Mary during the morning PA announcements at my Catholic elementary school. But it all changed when, at 10 years old, I lost both of my parents. I was devastated, confused, and lost. I held my parents in such high regard, especially my father. It created a hole in my heart, one that I would try to fill again and again with what the world told me to fill it with.
After the tragedy, my brother and I began to live with my grandmother. Now, she is a faithful Catholic. I mean, her old boss, Oscar Romero, is now a canonized saint! She got me to start going to a youth group at our local parish where the faith started to make more sense and eventually led me to that first encounter with Jesus at a retreat when I was 12. The peace and joy I felt at that retreat quickly dissipated the next day, and that would continue to happen year after year. I mean, I wanted to keep that peace in my heart and I remember thinking that I never wanted to leave, but I didn't know how to maintain it. Jesus was calling me, but so was the world. As I entered high school, I kept going to the youth group, but I wanted to be cool, to date girls, to live life. I saw how different they were, so I compartmentalized them. Being Catholic now meant that weekends were for church, Jesus was just a part of my life. On the weekdays, you wouldn't hear about how I went to church. I was too preoccupied to let Jesus into every area of my life. I was afraid of becoming this weird person who just talks about Jesus and nothing else. I felt that I couldn’t and didn’t want to overcome my sins, and ultimately, I didn’t know how I wanted to place Jesus in my life. But Jesus didn’t stop knocking at my door.
Fast forward to moving out for the first time to go to university. Finally, no one was telling me that I needed to go to church on Sundays, I could sleep in. I could be my own man. I could do all the things that you're "supposed" to do in university. So, I stopped going to mass. I started doubting my faith, but for some reason, I didn't want to lose it. I ran into the Catholic club on campus one day where I was invited to join a small group faith study. The study showed me that Jesus loved me individually and that was something I didn’t ever see. He loved Henry! But instead of feeling honoured, I felt ashamed. That hole in my heart caused by the loss of my parents had been attempted to be filled by sin again and again over the years, meaning that God knew every sin I had committed. And I didn’t know if I wanted to give up my sinful tendencies. But, despite my reluctance to embrace his love and mercy, Jesus continued to pursue my heart.
Throughout the next two years, through other small group faith studies and conversations with people, God began to speak truth into the lies that I believed. The biggest one? That my sins made me undeserving of God's personal, intimate love. In my third year of university, I was at this young adults conference. I was at a point where I was tired of carrying around the weight of my sins and I knew that Jesus could take them off my shoulders. I wanted to let Him take it, but I still felt unworthy. We were at a point in the conference where the last activity of the day was Eucharistic Adoration, but before we could get to that there was a speaker. As I listened to this man, I felt as though Jesus was speaking directly into my heart, breaking down my feelings of unworthiness, knocking at the door of my heart saying, "Henry, let me in. I love you. I will take your sins, I will give you my mercy. I will fill you." We were invited to place Jesus to be the centre of our lives and encouraged to stand to make that commitment firm. With streams of tears running down my face, I stood. I invited Jesus to be at the centre of my life in front of Jesus in the monstrance. I prayed like I never prayed before. I ran to the confession line. I made the first step towards centering my entire life on Jesus and I haven't stopped making steps since.
I'm not near perfect and I sin daily, but I let Jesus work on me every day. He is the one who guides my life, the one who forgives my sins, the one who filled the hole in my heart after my parents had passed, and the one who will continue to bless my life. And that peace and joy I experienced when I was 12? I carry it around because it's Jesus, bro.