Sandra Wojcik
Cheers rose from the crowd as the curtains opened, spotlight shone straight on centre stage. All attention and focus was on me, and in those few minutes that I would be performing everyone would look at me and notice me. For those few minutes, I was not a ghost.
Looking back, it is very easy to see that my biggest desire was to be seen. I grew up with the reputation of the “shy, goodie-two-shoes church girl” who never did anything wrong and always had her homework done on time. I was the person who would always do favours for people and go out of my way even if it meant allowing myself to be a push over. I desired to help people and would do it at the cost of myself, because for that moment I was noticed.
When I started high school, I wanted things to be different. I was sick and tired of this reputation that followed me; I was tired of being the ghost in the hallways. My desire to grab attention led me to realize that living a life of faith was not going to get me there. This is where you can say my double life began. Sunday I would give to God, go to church, pray, do all the right things, but Monday to Friday while I was at school with my friends, I didn’t want God in my life. In my twisted mind, I felt God was ruining my reputation and chance to be noticed by other people, especially by guys. I didn’t want people to see me as just the good Catholic girl who never stepped out of that bubble.
Unfortunately, the stronger this desire got, the more my conscience and reason became pushed aside. I started playing this game of pretend and waking up every morning deciding what mask I will wear that day. Would I be funny? Maybe mysterious? How about a little flirty? My identity was no longer a constant, but rather it was whatever everyone else wanted me to be. You can play that game, but if you do there will come a time where it won’t be a matter of “if” you will fall but rather “when” and “how far” will you fall. Each time I played this game of pretend it would come at a cost, and that cost continued to grow as I wanted to gain more attention. Eventually it started costing me my morals and values, even my own dignity. One night it led me to falling into peer pressure and I experienced what it was like to be sexually used and violated. I had to choke down any feeling of guilt and shame that I had because the LAST thing I felt was liberated and free, but no one could every know that.
Later that year, God grabbed my attention in a way that I will never forget. I never understood what it meant to have an encounter with Christ until that moment. I was forced by my dad on a March Break Retreat that was being held by an international youth movement called YTOL (Youth Teams of Our Lady). One night there was a beautiful adoration night. Candles, praise and worship music, and an incredible amount of tissue boxes. I didn’t understand these emotions at first, but I also didn’t notice that I would stray away from looking at the altar where Christ was fully present in the Blessed Sacrament. At one point the priest got everyone to make a large circle. He took the Blessed Sacrament, walked in front of each person and stopped for a few seconds so that they could have their one on one moment with Christ. As the priest got closer to me, I started to feel more and more anxious, but I couldn’t understand why. Then I saw as he stopped in front of me…and for the life of me I could not look up. In that moment, I realized who was truly standing in front of me, but I also realized what I had been doing this whole time. I was literally trying to kick Christ out of my life and now He was right in front of me. How could I possibly look up at Him?
Right then I heard this gentle voice in my heart. “Sandra, I see you. Right now, as you are, and I love you. Will you look up and see me too?” I mustered up the courage to look up and, in that moment, I realized what it truly meant to be seen. There were no spotlights, I didn’t have to put on a show. I was in a complete mess, and yet someone still saw me. He saw me.
I would love to say that from that moment on I had this incredible worry-free life, completely devoted to God. But, that’s not my story. God allowed me to go down a few more rock bottoms, some harder and deeper than before. I kept placing my identity on what other people wanted me to be, especially what men wanted me to be in the relationships that I was in at the time. But God is so good in His mercy and love, and He never stopped chasing after my heart. There is one quote I heard that really opened my eyes to why I had to go through all of that. “A broken heart is a heart broken open.” My heart was so closed in fear and anxiety that God allowed my heart to break because they only way He was able to pour his healing love into it was through the cracks.
God used these moments and so much more as stepping stones to bring me to where I am today. He was there when I discerned to break off a toxic relationship, which was also my first engagement. He was there when I was falling into depression and complete self-hatred. He was there when I made the huge decision to change my career from Massage Therapy to Ministry. And He was also there when I was led down to the altar to enter into the beautiful vocation of marriage with my husband. Regardless what kind of moment it was, He was always there. He was and always is my constant and my rock.
There is one prayer that has completely changed my life and always served as that reminder for me. “God, show me how you see me.” I pray that every time I feel lost or overwhelmed, and God in His mercy and love always brings back the same image to me. I am His little girl, completely full of joy and carefree because I have a Father who loves me and holds me together. Anytime I fall into a puddle or scrape my knee, He always takes me in His arms, cleans me up and reminds me that I am still His precious little girl. That is who I am and who I will always be, and there is nothing in this world that has the power to change that or take that away from me.
“FINALLY, BE STRONG IN THE LORD AND IN THE STRENGTH OF HIS MIGHT. PUT ON THE WHOLE ARMOR OF GOD, THAT YOU MAY BE ABLE TO STAND AGAINST THE WILES OF THE DEVIL. FOR WE ARE NOT CONTENDING AGAINST FLESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST THE PRINCIPALITIES, AGAINST THE POWERS, AGAINST THE WORLD RULERS OF THIS PRESENT DARKNESS, AGAINST THE SPIRITUAL HOSTS OF WICKEDNESS IN THE HEAVENLY PLACES.”
“YOU ARE NOT THE SUM OF YOUR FAILURES OR MISTAKES. YOU ARE THE SUM OF THE FATHER’S LOVE FOR YOU. ”