Abbey Anthony
I am a total cradle Catholic. Growing up, Sunday mass wasn’t even a question, and Shout to the Lord Praise Kids was what was always playing in the Windstar. But it would be a long time until I actually developed a relationship with Jesus, and I hit absolute rock bottom before I got there.
When I was 15, I was diagnosed with anorexia, and a couple years later I was additionally diagnosed with purging disorder. I was hospitalized for 4 months in grade 11 and 4 months in grade 12. Ten days before my 17th birthday I was in the hospital, on bed rest, being fed through a tube in my nose, and convinced God had forgotten about me. I wish I could say there was one pivotal moment in my recovery, but it has been a very ebb and flow journey the whole time. I was very much a victim of my eating disorder, and I believed that I deserved all the pain that came with it because I was not strong enough to overcome it. I was too weak for God to be proud of me, never mind wanting to save me. The one moment I would say is the closest to that light bulb moment was when I was with the band I play in. The Encounter Worship Band (The Encounter Worship Band), was playing during Adoration three years after my last hospital admission. On my knees in prayer, God showed me the clearest image of me sitting in my hospital room, and again I felt the absolute conviction I had when I felt God had forgotten about me. And then, there Jesus was, sitting on the end of my hospital bed. Looking at His beloved, withered away daughter, with sadness, grace, and so much love in His eyes. The moment I thought God was furthest away from me was the closest He had ever been.
In high school, I made it look like my cup was overflowing, but I was so empty inside. I was doing well in school, twice a week I was there at 6:45 a.m. for choir practice, and almost everyday right after school I would head to the dance studio where I would spend the next several hours, go home, go to bed, and do it all over again. My choir and dance teams won national competitions, and my friends often compared my personality to a Disney Princess. But at night, when I was all alone with God and my thoughts, I was absolutely destroyed. I filled my schedule in hopes that it would transpire a purpose, but all it did was keep me busy so I never had time to sit with my own thoughts. I liked it that way because I thought my thoughts were a scary place where I would just sit in self doubt and inadequacy. People would always say “I don’t know how you do it all”, and the truth is, I wasn’t. Yes I was surviving, but I wasn’t living.
When I recall this part of my life, it feels like a haze of a completely different universe. My life was restored not only because I started nourishing my body, but because I turned to God to nourish my soul. Life with God is not a promise of constant happiness and that warm-fuzzy feeling. It is a promise of a God who will not forsake you, who will bless you and keep you, and will help guide your steps… if you let Him. It is a promise of the unshakeable truth of the kingdom of heaven and eternal life. This is not met without pain and suffering but is ended with perfect love. You can’t have the resurrection without the crucifixion.
“FOR THOUGH I FALL, I WILL RISE AGAIN. THOUGH I SIT IN DARKNESS, THE LORD WILL BE MY LIGHT. ”
“BE WHO GOD MEANT YOU TO BE AND YOU WILL SET THE WORLD ON FIRE.”