Carissa Douglas
I had my first God-experience when I was close to 7 years old. I saw my sins, small and suited to my age, but painful, for I could suddenly see how selfish I had been, how oblivious to others. I could feel the nearness of God and knew somehow, in that moment, that He loved me and wanted to keep me close to His heart.
I stayed close, but also wandered away in a sense.
I struggled deeply with the call to hand my life over to Him completely. I wanted to get married and have 12 kids (I know, I am not normal) and was terrified He would ask me to give up that dream and join a convent. I felt myself avoiding that prayer of surrender He was asking me to pray: the prayer that’s so necessary when discerning where exactly He’s calling us.
“Jesus, take the wheel” was a struggle, I wouldn’t let go... it was more like “Jesus, just might break the wheel... trying to pry it from my white-knuckled grip”. My wandering away from Him had more to do with fear and lack of trust.
Every time I was interested in a guy, I was afraid to ask God to let me know if this might be “the one”, because every time I had done this, I would learn something that made me realize how incompatible we actually were, or that he had a girlfriend he wasn’t telling me about, or the poor guy would seem to suddenly drop off the face of the earth. I was afraid this was another way God would not only take away the man who caught my eye, but the Vocation of marriage altogether.
It took several years for me to trust in His plan for my life. Somewhere along the way, He showed me that every instance of letting go and letting Him take over, ended with me standing jaw-dropped in complete astonishment and admiration, as all the things I couldn’t possibly have known or taken into account, He had foreseen and used for my good.
I finally acknowledged that Our God is the God who knows us better than we know ourselves and was able to tell Him that if He wanted me to be a religious sister, I would happily oblige, trusting that He would be my source of joy.
It’s funny, because as soon as He brought me to that place of surrender, I met my husband. We were married before having known each other even a year. We just had our 13th baby... because Our God is not only worthy of our trust, but He will also not be outdone in generosity and often goes beyond our small-scaled dreams.
“COMMIT YOUR WAY TO THE LORD; TRUST IN HIM, AND HE WILL ACT. ”
“MAY YOU TRUST GOD THAT YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE MEANT TO BE. ”