Father Josh Lobo
I was born into a Catholic family and my faith formation began right from a young age. My grandmother would pray the rosary with me and take me to daily Mass with her at 6am (this is a normal time for daily Mass in India). I remember being taught my prayers by my mother and I was raised in a Catholic household who went to Mass every Sunday. I was an altar boy right after receiving my First Holy Communion and remained one until I joined the seminary. It was my family’s witness to prayer and to their faith that, at least in part, inspired me to follow God’s call to become a priest.
Some of my earliest memories of life include thoughts of the priesthood. However, as I grew older, I buried these thoughts under my own desires, ambitions and sinfulness. I can’t deny, however, that I would think about priesthood from time to time. I believed in Jesus, I believed in the Church, I had faith, but it didn't mean much because I was not really putting my faith into action. I always thought about myself and rarely about the needs of others and definitely not much about God. For many years during my teenage and university days, despite being raised in a Catholic family, I did not have a habit of personal prayer. I only “spoke” to God when I needed something (when I was in trouble, for example, or right before an exam). Looking back on my life, it is fair to say that I viewed God as a genie who, if I was good and asked nicely, would grant my “wishes”. There were a few occasions that I can remember when I prayed to God for help and things worked out well for me, but more often I found that God was silent. As a result, prayer was very difficult for me. A little story can show just how difficult it was for me at this time in my life. While I was discerning entering the seminary, I remember being invited to visit and join the seminarians for evening prayer. I was shocked that these men could pray for 12 straight minutes, at the time it was incredibly difficult for me.
Around the 4th year of my university degree (I was studying business at U of T), I entered what I now call a “Tornado of Grace”. At the time it felt like a gentle breeze, but in retrospect I can see that God was really trying to get my attention. In a tornado you can't see up from down, you are just surrounded by this massive storm. Similarly, when I look back now, I can’t tell anymore which instances of grace took place first, it just seems like there were so many signs and things that were happening that pointed me to the seminary. For one, my grandfather died suddenly, and it caused me to question my own mortality and what really mattered in life. I decided I needed to pray more and go to confession more regularly, because I wasn’t so sure I would be going to heaven if I died and had to give an account of my life to God at that particular moment! Furthermore, people would come up to me and tell me I'd be a good priest. A friend of mine, whom I always thought was very similar to me, decided to enter the seminary. I was constantly thinking about the Priesthood, especially when I went to mass or prayed but even in class or at work. Several times the Word of God at Mass pierced my heart and gave me enough courage to continue being open to what God wanted. I “randomly” met the Vocations director who invited me to join a program for men discerning priesthood. I learned to take my prayer life seriously, I went to see what the seminary was like for a weekend, and I finally took the plunge and entered the seminary to further discern my vocation.
I can honestly say I have never regretted my decision. There are struggles, difficulties, doubts, failures, fears, but it is always accompanied with a sense of peace with where I am and what I am doing. I feel like I am exactly where God wants me to be, and that gives me peace.
I always lived a somewhat sacramental life (going to Mass every week and Confession once in a while), so I never physically wandered too far away from the Church, but my heart was very far, it was very hardened to God’s will, it was plagued with worldliness and selfishness. I describe my journey as one of learning to be a more mature disciple of Jesus. I was still “in the house” (the Church) so to speak, but boy was I fast asleep. I often think of my journey and compare it to someone who is just waking up from sleep in the morning. Such a person is very tired and groggy, their eyes are sensitive to the light and they can be a little cranky. This is a great way of describing me; the Lord has been very patient with me and with my stubborn grogginess as I have learned to be a more faithful follower. Sometimes the brightness of His light and the immensity of the task at hand has intimidated me- to the point where I may say “Lord, I just want to go back to bed”. Nevertheless, Jesus has also gently inspired and consoled me with His words, “Do not be afraid, I am with you”.
My journey led me to the seminary, and the Lord has taught me so much in that time. Yes, I value the Philosophy and Theology studies immensely, but I especially value what He has taught me about myself, about my own weaknesses and sinfulness. He has shown me how utterly dependant I am and how unfruitful I am without Him. He has also slowly revealed His own love for me, and the way in which He sees me. For the longest time, I knew theologically and intellectually that God loved me, and I believed in His love for me intellectually. When examining my life or time at the seminary I can see how much He has willed my good and how He has worked to bring me closer to Him; to give me a purpose and hope in my life. In this way, I know of His love for me. However, it was during the Spiritual Exercises (a 30-day silent retreat created by St. Ignatius of Loyola in the 16th century) that I came to personally encounter God’s unconditional and particular love for me. It was something I could never do for myself, not something I could ever have learned from a textbook, it was a completely free gift and it took place at a particular moment: on July 27th, 2019. While praying in a chapel in Omaha, Nebraska, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and I experienced a knowledge of God’s love that was communicated to my mind but especially to my heart. At that point in time it gave me the strength I needed to say yes to being ordained a deacon in a few short months. That experience has also given me the confidence to trust that whatever God asks of me in the future, He will provide generously for me.
“HAVE I NOT COMMANDED YOU? BE STRONG AND OF GOOD COURAGE; BE NOT FRIGHTENED, NEITHER BE DISMAYED; FOR THE LORD YOUR GOD IS WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO.”
“EVEN IF I HAD COMMITTED ALL POSSIBLE CRIMES, I WOULD STILL HAVE THE SAME CONFIDENCE; I WOULD FEEL THAT THIS MULTITUDE OF OFFENSES WOULD BE LIKE A DROP OF WATER THROWN INTO THE FLAMING FURNACE OF GOD’S LOVE. ”