Conchita Dsouza

When you teach a child something, their innocent heart believes you in and through. They have a trusting spirit, an open mind. But their precious soul has an inbuilt mark on them to sense when something is not right though what they were given to believe is “normal”.

I was born into a loving home where my mother taught me the beauty of God and my father shared with me his tools to explore the creative arts. I was a very happy child full of life where I would always search for joy in the littlest things around me. But in the depths of my heart, there were markers and clues of unrest. I couldn’t deny the turbulence that came from my family dynamics for though I had accepted it as the norm, something told me that this was not the peaceful family environment I was made to believe it was. For a family who was well integrated into a church community, who served in ministry and gave their time in prayer, it seemed odd that the word ‘obstacle’ would fit into their vocabulary. It was unheard of, therefore it was not shared. Growing up, I jumped into different activities, kept myself busy and thought that if I took on everything I would find sustenance and peace of mind in this constant. This model worked for me and I felt comfort in that. I felt love from the words of affirmation that came from my teachers and friends, my parish community and I clung to that to keep me going. This continued through elementary and through high school, though I must say, I developed a love for every aspect of serving in the multiple avenues I was called to. But a time came where the toxicity I was exposed to in my family unit was beyond manageable.

Beyond what I could handle on my own. Unhealed wounds mixed in with the popping of bandaid solutions left me failing a year at university, depressed and overall contemplating if life was really worth living. I was bursting on the inside and I was scared because this time it was actually showing on the outside. I stopped eating, grew angry and developed a deep hatred for myself until I sunk so low someone noticed and decided to pull me out. The registrar at my university who was the only one I shared my struggles so deeply with gave me the confidence I needed to start afresh and secure my life both present and future. Feeling empowered not only by her words but by the undeniable promptings of the Holy Spirit, I embarked on a new chapter of life. I moved to Toronto and for the first time in what felt like forever, I came up from out of the water and felt like I could breathe again. Leaving everything I ever knew of and held close to my heart came with consequences like the burden and weight of much judgement and harsh gossip that felt like spears in my heart.

At 20, heading into the unknown on my own was incredibly petrifying. But no more was I willing to compromise a future of joy, throw away my peace of mind and my heart so loved by God for what was stifling the life within me. I knew that God wouldn’t leave me abandoned. And it couldn’t have been more true. I was met with love- like supernatural incredible love from above. Mother Mary did not leave my side, she hugged me and held me close. Jesus became my best friend who I had conversations with every day. And the Holy Spirit protected me and guided me in every step. This time however, came with difficulties. What was buried for years being brought to the surface felt like open heart surgery, but I knew I needed those parts within me to touch the light and find the healing Hands of God. The nature of healing allows for the flooding of grace within the soul and I felt it without a doubt each time I allowed God into my past. I developed relationships so close amongst my friends, I call them family. I got back on track academically and graduated which I still consider today, a miracle! And I became a teacher which was at one point an unattainable dream to me.

I also met what I consider one of my greatest blessings: my fiancé Rafael, who has been given the best version of me. Strong, brave, healed, hopeful, forgiving, forgiven, loving and loved. I worked on loving myself so I could wholeheartedly love the other and to be the woman God has called me to be. Without a doubt I know God has granted me the ability to be an amazing wife and mom, and the grace to form a beautiful family unit built on peace, trust, love and unity. John Paul II said, “Life with Christ is a wonderful adventure”. Well, I’m still on it. And thus far it has been an incredibly awesome journey! Fall in love with Christ and He will grant you your heart’s desires. I will forever witness to this.