Sister Amanda

My "yes" to Jesus is anything but straightforward. At 10 years old, my childhood faith took a beating when I developed symptoms of OCD. The anxiety disorder quickly and irrationally reshaped my image of God. As I scrupulously fretted over details, I started to believe that God was perpetually disappointed in me. I still mouthed “God is love” along with everyone else, but it was an empty phrase. The "God" I thought I knew was all judgment and no mercy.

My mental health bottomed out at age 18 when the undiagnosed OCD led to anorexia. I was trying to live up to impossible, self-authored expectations, and soon found myself on a dead-end journey. I knew I needed God, but I didn't know who He was or where to find Him. As a college freshman, I was determined to figure it all out. I jumped into my campus Catholic centre hoping for intellectual insight. What I found instead was joy. I was stunned at the way my peers didn't just talk about God, but truly loved Him. They spoke of Jesus as if He was a friend. I didn't know this was possible, and I thirsted for the God they knew.

I intensified my search for God through counseling, prayer, daily Mass, and supportive friendships. Little did I know that I didn't need to "search" for God; He was already with me. Gradually—even suddenly—I found myself face-to-face with a God who loved me more than I thought possible. In His embrace, I found healing and new life.

Years later, Jesus asked me to take another leap: toward religious life. After months of wrestling with postgrad options, I heard Jesus invite me to stop fretting over myself and look at Him instead. In a moment of clarity, I understood that if I gave Him my life (whatever that meant) He wouldn't lose it, but fulfill it. I said yes, and God has been more than faithful.

God longs to reveal Himself to us; we have only to let Him show His face. In Christ, I have discovered a love deep enough to embrace all that I am, and powerful enough to set me free to love in return. I have found my home in this Love, and I pray that my life as a Daughters of St. Paul will help the world find its home here, too.